By Chris Schad
The NFL Draft is a time of year that has enticed many memories for me. As a kid, it was always a time that I stored some names into the back of my mind to see them explode in the fall, but it’s grown since then to a three-month YouTube binge watching fest in order to see who could push the Minnesota Vikings to the Super Bowl.
It seems pretty extreme for an annual meeting of some guys in suits reading cue cards at a podium, but what really makes the draft exciting is the traditions that we make in order to watch the draft.
For me, it started as a 300-pound college student. The first draft I was of age, we threw a party to celebrate the coming of the next great Viking. Despite that Viking being Tyrell Johnson, history was made that day when my friend walked into my apartment with a duffle bag full of 40 ounce … beverages.
“We drink the 40 like they run the 40!” he exclaimed while cracking one open, and it’s been a tradition ever since.
The other part of this was that of an older friend of mine the year before. As the Vikings selected a guy named Adrian Peterson (you might have heard of him) in 2007, he chronicled the final three-round Saturday slugfest in the history of the draft. As his thoughts flowed onto his keyboard, he realized when it appeared in the school newspaper that he had gone way too far with his … um … analysis.
Fortunately for this writer, boundaries are meant to be taken down and the Drunken Draft Chronicles became a Xeroxed commodity … which brings us to this year’s draft. Once again, I gathered with the same group of friends and decided to pull my laptop up to give you my account for the evening that was the 2015 NFL Draft.
In other words, welcome to the 2015 Drunken NFL Draft Chronicles.
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6:45 p.m. – The draft is about to start and the group of people have arrived at the “Schad Pad” to begin the festivities. Instead of an entire duffel bag of beverages, we’ve just decided to bring our own and have to make the decision to watch NFL Network or ESPN.
6:47 p.m. – It is decided. The folks at NFL Network do a fine job of breaking down the X’s and O’s, but ESPN is the trainwreck that began this tradition, so we’ll continue with that. Whether it’s Mel Kiper Jr., and Todd McShay talking like they’re going to fight in a steel cage at WrestleMania or Chris Berman screaming “RRRRRRRAAAAAAIIIIIDEEEERRRRSSSS!!!!” until he soils his Depends, the entertainment value is too much to ignore.
6:57 p.m. – Aaron Rodgers tweets that the NFL Draft is a “trainwreck” of expert analysis. His next tweet says that “All things are possible through him.” Stock Rodgers.
6:59 p.m. – Instead of listening to Berman scream repeatedly, we’ve already thrown on Pitbull. Some of you may wonder what the difference is but, it’s going down, so I’m yelling Timber.
7:00 p.m. – My friend, Libby, who has a history of passing out before 7:00 in these situations, has made his first comment that he’s tired. Bets are on as to when Libby will pass out.
7:01 p.m. – Libby has passed out.
7:02 p.m. – After much yelling and screaming from Berman, commissioner Harvey Dent … I mean … Roger Goodell walks to the podium. He’s being booed louder than Vince McMahon kicking off Monday Night Raw but tries to speak over the masses anyway. He states that it’s great to be in Chicago because he has roughly 200,000 people standing in a park to watch it on a big screen TV. If you do the math, $10 to get in times 200,000 people equals a lot of money, and Roger sure loves his money.
7:03 p.m. – Upon seeing Jameis Winston on the TV, I scream “MY GOD!!! JAMEIS WINSTON IS HERE!!! HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!!” This is the first of many Wrestling references from yours truly.
7:04 p.m. – Goodell announces that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are on the clock with the first overall pick. Fun fact for you draft nerds out there: The Bucs have never given a second contract to a quarterback they drafted. Good luck, Jameis.
7:08 p.m. – Noticed that a random fan named Louis Riddick has been allowed to analyze picks for ESPN. He has to be living the dream … wait … he’s an analyst? Never mind.
7:12 p.m. – With the first overall pick, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select … Jameis Winston. Winston is at home in tears with his family in Alabama rather than the draft. According to last year, my friend Jerry believes that players who aren’t at the draft automatically suck. This can be attested by him freaking out last year when the Vikings took Anthony Barr over Johnny Manziel. Barr was at home and became a force for the Vikings defense. Johnny was in New York City and just ended a three-month stay in rehab. Seems legit.
7:16 p.m. – The Titans time on the clock is winding down. I’m sure the first Viking joke is coming, but right now Chip Kelly is either crying in a corner of his war room or stripping on top of a table while chugging a 40 to celebrate getting “THE PRECIOUS!!!” (aka Marcus Mariota).
7:21 p.m. – The Titans make the pick and select Mariota. As we speak, Zach Mettenberger is snapping a sad-looking selfie that says “Ima not a NFL starting QB. Have some. :(“
7:23 p.m. – The Jaguars pick is now in. The rumors about them trading down apparently weren’t true, so we’ve gone a whole three picks without a trade. I’m starting to go through withdrawls as we hit the bottom of this 40.
7:24 p.m. – Libby has woken up from his slumber to see that he just bought a house. Apparently, slamming 40s will make you do crazy things.
7:28 p.m. – As the Jacksonville Jaguars select Dante Fowler Jr., I’ve finished my first 40. With a 40 time of 38:12, Mel Kiper Jr. seems impressed. He goes on to say my stock could be rising and that someone might take me in the first round if I keep this up. I think McShay wants to stab him in a dark alley, but then I realize … that’s who this Riddick guy is replacing! ESPN is trolling all of us and not giving us the deathmatch we all want.
7:30 p.m. – I explain to Jerry that I want McShay vs. Kiper at WrestleMania. He’s extremely annoyed.
7:33 p.m. – I should mention that we have a newcomer to these festivities. While he didn’t want his name to be mentioned in this article, he didn’t follow my rules and didn’t bring a 40. This is on him now as he looks completely terrified as we all finish our first heat.
7:39 p.m. – The Washington Redskins take Brandon Scherff, who pronounces his name “Sheriff.” Leave it to a family in Iowa to misspell their last name. Libby informs me it’s actually a tremendous education system.
7:45 p.m. – The Jets are on the clock and they’re not taking Kevin White. After showing him in the Green Room, I wish I could give that kid a puppy right now.
7:48 p.m. – Todd Bowles doesn’t care he has Geno Smith as a quarterback, he’s going to build his defense and take Leonard Williams. As the best defensive lineman in the draft, it’s a non-Jets pick. Regardless, the Jets fans in attendance boo loudly.
7:49 p.m. – The Chicago Bears are on the clock. The pick is in, and I’m sure that Jay Cutler doesn’t really care who they pick.
7:53 p.m. – The Bears take White, who says that “he hopes he’ll be a star in this league.” That will be hard considering that half his intended targets will land into the hands of the opposing defenses. Love you, Jay.
7:57 p.m. – Both of my friends inform me that the Coronas I’ve been drinking are not actually 40s. They are just really big beers at 24 ounces. I flip over to NFL Network and Mike Mayock says this is my third strike. First, I’ve been taking shortcuts with the whole 40 thing. Second, I’m tremendously overweight. Third, I have a pattern of bad decision making including dropping Antonio Brown in a dynasty league for Jared Cook. As a result, I won the Brad Childress Memorial Trophy in our fantasy league last year … for worst coach.
8:00 p.m. – The fact that Corona smells like they squeezed a skunk into a bottle is not helping my agony for not getting a 40.
8:06 p.m. – The New York Giants select Ereck Flowers. It’s a peculiar pick, but not because he’s wearing his cap to the side. It’s the way he spells his name. It’s awfully close to something else and it’s safe to say that the Giants are really excited about how tall and stiff he plays the left tackle position.
8:08 p.m. – The first shocker of the draft happens as the St. Louis Rams select Todd Gurley. Fantasy football owners everywhere are crying because they either wanted to take Gurley with their dynasty pick OR they kept Tre Mason. Tears everywhere … everywhere!
8:14 p.m. – After the Rams oddly take Todd Gurley, the Vikings are on the clock. Libby suggest that the Vikings should draft Kate Upton. I can’t say I would be mad with that pick.
8:17 p.m. – The Vikings make their pick … and it’s Michigan State cornerback Trae Waynes. I immediately jump on my coffee table and announce that I’m going to “Make it Waynes” This is pretty awesome until I announce it four or five times.
8:20 p.m. – The Cleveland Browns are on the clock right now and general manager Sonny Weaver Jr. has a full plate on his hands. Last year, he totally passed on Bo Callahan and took Vontae Mack with the top pick in the draft. On top of that, his mom totally didn’t respect draft day at all and his salary cap advisor was pregnant with his unborn son. I can’t imagine what chaos is going on inside the Browns war room.
8:21 p.m. – Both Jerry and Libby inform me that Draft Day was NOT a documentary.
8:25 p.m. – Browns pass on David “God Damn” Putney and take Danny Shelton. He’s a very large man and doesn’t run very fast, but I’m sure if he caught you, you would be eaten alive.
8:26 p.m. – By this point, we’ve given up hope that McShay will come through the crowd and jump Kiper. ESPN is boring us, so we turn down the volume and start cranking some MAH (Mint As Hell) tunes.
8:27 p.m. – Despite the MAH tunes and the sweet picks coming on the TV, I’m still distraught that I was not drinking a 40. It’s like I ruined Draftmas. So, I come up with an idea. I bet my colleagues that I can drink 4 beers — 48 ounces — in Jerry’s first 40 time. They don’t want to bet, but I do it anyway.
8:48 p.m. – In my quest to get the first two beers down, I forget a draft is going on. The Chargers are on the clock and they take Melvin Gordon. Gordon is an awesome running back prospect, but he’s also from Wisconsin … where the women are big, the beer is cold and Brett Favre never happened. On a similar note, Ron Dayne is somewhere putting a Golden Corral out of business.
8:49 p.m. – I’m reminded that Waynes is also a Wisconsinite that just happened to go to Michigan State. I suddenly hate the pick.
8:50 p.m. – Toby Keith’s “American Soldier” comes over the speaker at the “Schad Pad.” Libby is singing along with it, but he sounds more like gurgling noises and I’m considering calling an ambulance. Meanwhile, Jerry is standing on my couch screaming “USA!! USA!!!” My neighbors might be ready to call the cops.
9:07 p.m. – As more picks fly by, I finish the bet. Clocking in at 37:20, my reputation and draft stock is restored, but I’m also blacking out.
9:31 p.m. – My opinion on Waynes has shifted and I decide to order his jersey. In the morning, I’ll have no recollection of this which will make me my own drunken Santa Claus.
9:35 p.m. – The Denver Broncos trade up and select Shane Ray, which might be the most perfect fit in this draft. Unlike the commentators on ESPN, I’m not sure about the scheme fit, but after a Monday arrest for marijuana charges, he’ll fit right in with the state of Colorado.
9:39 p.m. – We find that Skip Bayless has tweeted out that Trae Waynes “does nothing” for him. It’s an ironic point, because Teddy Bridgewater did nothing for him either … just like the 15 facelifts Skip has had since joining ESPN.
9:50 p.m. – With the Carolina Panthers on the clock, they take Shaq. No, not that Shaq … that actually would have been a good pick considering that Cam Newton was flattened by every defensive lineman in the NFL and a truck last year. Instead they want their quarterback to die, so they take Shaq Thompson who might not have a position in the NFL.
9:59 p.m. – Dallas is on the clock and the Rick Spielman annual trade up hasn’t happened yet. The one chance he might have is to dangle a certain running back in front of his face and see if he takes the carrot. He doesn’t and Jerry Jones takes workout warrior Byron Jones from football powerhouse Connecticut. AP isn’t going anywhere tonight.
10:15 p.m. – The New England Patriots conclude the night’s festivities by taking Malcolm Brown out of Texas. There are beer bottles and cans everywhere and enough carnage to make Jim Ross strain a vocal cord. It’ll be another year until we get to open our Draftmas gifts, but it makes us eagerly anticipate next year. Well … except for Libby, who has passed out on the floor.