Moniker Madness: NBA Edition

Magic. It’s probably the best NBA nickname ever. You could make a case for Air Jordan, but the last name carries all the cache. Just say it, “Jordan.” It’s synonymous with supreme excellence. Nobody has to ask who you’re talking about. The same could be said for Kobe, LeBron or Durant, so maybe those guys don’t need great nicknames either, but in a season with so many emerging stars, and the fact that the NBA decided to resurrect the nickname jersey this year, I thought it might be fun to examine the NBA nickname. Which are the best and why? Who needs one now?



So, what’s in a nickname? Let’s start with Magic. It personifies the man and his style of play all at once. The no-look passes, the beaming smile, the Showtime razzle dazzle, it’s all there. So that’s our standard. I’m not really a fan of the rhyming nickname. It’s too gimmicky. So Magic’s teammates Jamaal “Silk” Wilkes and “Big Game” James Worthy, while certainly possessing nicknames attributable to their style of play, don’t quite enter the upper echelon. Further, you’re in the NBA. We know you’re big. It’s a prerequisite. That’s why I don’t like Big Baby, Big Country, Big Smooth, or The Big Ticket. Big is boring.



For that matter, as nicknames go, you can’t win with “Mr. Big Shot” or “Big Shot Bob” either. If you’re clutch, you’re clutch, but you’ll never be “Mr. Clutch.” If you’re going for a nickname that captures a specific aspect of your game, be original. “The Round Mound of Rebound” is worth noting, but it rhymes and we all know him better as Sir Charles anyway. I like “The Glove” for Gary Payton’s defense or “The Reignman” for Shawn Kemp ferocious pre-obesity dunks. Then again, when it comes to dunking, we’ve had Chocolate Thunder, The Human Highlight Film, and one of the all-time great nicknames, “Half-Man, Half-Amazing” Vince Carter. “The Custodian” was a great nickname wasted on an average player. Kawhi Leonard is a much better Custodian than Brian Cardinal.



The trick is finding that unique quality to your style or persona and getting creative from there. The Iceman. Wow! Manimal. Perfect. Clyde the Glide. Yeah, it rhymes, but it taps into the essence of that experience watching Drexler soar to the rim. Hakeem the Dream rhymes, too, but he had an unstoppable weapon to go with it: The Dream Shake. The Mailman? Special Delivery was a pretty lame dunk, but it makes the nickname a hell of a lot cooler. Perhaps no other nickname captures a player’s style better than “White Chocolate” Jason Williams… except maybe Darko Milicic “The Human Victory Cigar.” Throw Thunder Dan Majerle and The Rifleman Chuck Person into this category. On nickname alone, picking completely blind, I’d take either of those guys over Jesus Shuttlesworth. You need a new nickname, Ray.



For the nickname to work, the player should be able to sustain relevance or have a seismic impact for however brief a period. Dr. J, Pistol Pete, Chief and The Admiral are each good examples, and they sound like the NBA version of the Village People. Outside of Jordan, who’s had the most influence on basketball culture in the past twenty years? I’d argue it’s The Answer. Penny Hardaway got his nickname from his grandmother and sold a billion shoes with Lil’ Penny. Baron Davis made Boom Dizzle sizzle before he fizzled. Agent Zero is brilliant for too many reasons, including the fact that he’s still on Orlando’s payroll. The Matrix was a beast for those Run and Gun Suns. And unless you’re Shaq, often especially if you’re Shaq, the self-anointed nickname doesn’t work. Black Mamba’s kind of dumb, but Vino is actually pretty good.



So, descriptive, catchy, but not Big or too rhymey. You can’t pick your own, and it helps to have a signature move or a standout skill. What else? Originality counts, so creativity’s got to count, too. Who’s funkier than The Worm? I’d kill to see Rodman play pinball. Toni Kukoc was The Waiter and The Pink Panther. How’d he get two cool nicknames, and Scottie Pippen doesn’t even have one? I always thought Scottie should have been The Gazelle or The Antelope. Shaq Diesel, the man of a thousand ridiculous nicknames, actually deserves a ton of credit for coming up with The Truth and putting Paul Pierce’s name on the national radar. If Caron Butler could stay healthy, Tuff Juice might be a household name. And last but not least, there’s “Bad Porn” Corey Maggette. That’s right. Bad Porn.



Now, we’re stepping into present-day NBA nicknames, of which only a few really stand out. Tim Duncan should dump The Big Fundamental and roll with Death & Taxes. That’s beyond cool. AK-47 is intimidating, but The Polish Hammer owns that category. CP3 is the best of the name-number nicknames. The rest should be thrown out. Monta Ellis is Mississippi Bullet. Nice. Gerald Wallace and Dwyane Wade are Crash and Flash. Awesome. Too bad they’re not on the same team.



Swaggy P is self-anointed but kind of fun. Boogie might be Demarcus Cousins’ brainchild, but it doesn’t matter. Boogie can do whatever Boogie wants. Goran “The Dragon” Dragic is good for consonance but doesn’t really speak to his game. Brandon Jennings is The Pterodactyl. Huh? Andrew Drummond is Big Penguin. Wait, what? Joakim Noah wants to be called Stick Stickity. No. Just no. The very best are “Air Congo” Serge Ibaka, “The Brow” Anthony Davis, and “Born Ready” Lance Stephenson. Superb. That means there are at least a dozen guys in dire need of a nickname. Let’s try a few!



Steph Curry and Klay Thompson are The Splash Brothers, the best back court in Golden State since Run TMC. Still, these guys deserve their own nicknames, but let’s stay with the theme. How about Wet Ball and Super Soaker? You pick who gets what. David Lee probably deserves a nickname, too. I’m torn between D-League and Poor Man’s Kevin Love. I would also argue that Kevin Love is Rich Man’s David Lee. If Love had a go-to move called Special Sauce, he could roll with K-Love. Otherwise, I want to put a ban on all name conjunction nicknames. Flash > D-Wade. It’s science.



LaMarcus Aldridge is the best back-to-the-basket big man in the game right now. I’d call him Stand and Deliver. His teammate Damian Lillard has buried game winners across the country this year. I like Pandemic for him. Russell Westbrook is flashy and peevish; The Pomeranian. Rajon Rondo can string together a triple-double out of nothing like crafting stories with Alphabet Soup. Kyrie Irving could do better than Uncle Drew. Is James Harden The Beard? Are we okay with that? John Wall, DeMar DeRozan and Dion Waiters are earning nicknames this year. Ricky Rubio, Victor Oladipo, Blake Griffin! Maybe I’ll leave those to you.



Hardwood Rob